I know what skinny feels like…it didn’t fit, Part 1
Eat this, don’t touch that, pop this pill, cinch this wrap thing around your stomach overnight while it’s also slopped down with shrinking cream.
You should start juicing to cleanse your bunghole, but you should also get fiber, but you threw away the pulp, so I’m not really sure where that fiber is going to come from. You could go paleo, where critics swear you’ll have a heart attack before you can inhale the five pounds of bacon you just made.
Also, there’s the Zone, with this, you figure in different calculations like your weight, age (I think) and activity level, probably some other stuff in there…there’s math involved, I dunno, I gave it the old Community College try. Foods are assigned “block” numbers and you should have a certain amount of blocks throughout the day, breaking down how many grams of protein, carbs and fats you should shovel in your gullet.
You could eat meat on Atkins.
You absolutely, must eat clean, no processing of processed food, try toning up with a shake weight, guzzle more fats, but only if it’s a good one, like the old disgustingly textured Avocado…fuck you Subway, Avocados are gross. You can add lemon juice and salt and pepper all you want, I’m still going to dry heave when I try to swallow it.
You better damn well drop that potato because CARBS!!!
Well, actually, there’s good carbs too, like sweet potatoes.
Sweet potato fries, I have one thing to say to you. You are a faker! It’s not really helpful when you only actually taste delicious when I put brown sugar on you….mmmm, brown sugar.
Make sure you get more macros, or was it micros….count your points with Jenny. Question, has anyone actually ever seeeeen Jenny Craig…I mean, I have no idea what she looks like. I picture her sitting at a computer watching cat videos, dipping Doritos in chocolate. I picture her getting printouts of everyone’s weight in the nation and maniacally laughing.
Eat every three hours, because yeah, you have a fridge in your car. But maybe try to fast in the mornings, drink some lemon juice with cayenne pepper, Slim Fast Yo!
It’s important to eat fruit, but wait, don’t because there’s too much sugar, well, ok, have like one fruit, but it better be the tart shit you don’t like, like grapefruit. Um, no. I’d like to poke people in the eye who tell me to eat grapefruit because then their eye will feel as bad as my mouth.
People swear, it’ll taste sweet eventually as long as you don’t eat a granule of sugar elsewhere. If you must have sweetness, try maple syrup, rice syrup, honey, truvia, stevia, Sweet and Low, Splendid. Those probably cause cancer, but so does air, so, it’s your call.
Eat more vegetables, but they better not have any pesticides on them or you’ll grow more legs, I think…that’s what I’ve heard anyways. Organic veggies are the best, but you better start eating them in the car on the way home or they’ll go bad.
Also, green beans, corn, tomatoes, you know the good tasting “veggies”, aren’t even vegetables. Yum, chard and kale is waaay better.
White rice is good for your stomach and a good carb, but really, you should eat brown rice instead because WHOLE GRAINS, wait no, WHOLE WHEAT, wait what???
What thee actual fuck is the difference between whole grain and whole wheat…isn’t wheat a grain.
Either way, GLUTEN!!!…slaps bread out of hand.
Get more protein, but not from beans because they inflame your….stuff. You could get it from yogurt, but it sure as hell better only be plain Greek yogurt, which, come on people, is basically sour cream. But wait, you can totally put some of those tart ass blueberries in it to sweeten up your sour cream.
You also shouldn’t really get protein from yogurt, because yeah, it’s dairy. Milk builds stronger bones from the calcium, but spinach has more calcium than milk.
Plus, milk is “animal puss”, as I’ve heard it called before. If you’re going to drink it though, at least drink skim milk because fat free is the way to go. Wait what did you say, Mr. health guru out there in the interweb, you should drink full fat milk, well, which the shit is it, whole or skim? Crosses arms, taps foot.
You’d be better off drinking rice, soy, coconut, or almond milk. Meh, not so much soy, soy’s not good for you, something about soilent…I don’t remember.
You should run and lift weights, but actually maybe that’s bad for your knees…or it could be, maybe, not sure. You could totally get hit by a car running, so probably, just trip on a treadmill instead, staring at the wall.
Zumba (dancing in a group exercise class), can be fun, but only if you have the same DNA makeup of Shakira or J-LO.
As a woman, you shouldn’t lift weights too much, or you’ll get bulky. But you know, you shouldn’t be too skinny either because strangers will tell you to eat a sandwich.
Body builders, have bad mobility at times, runners can be too scrawny, Crossfitters just assholes (that’s the public’s consensus, not mine). Yogi’s are too granola-ee and smell funny.
You must, I can’t stress this enough, must drink gallons of water, while trying to keep your day job. But this job doesn’t include spending the day writing reports up in the bathroom, so you gotta piss on your own time.
Let’s talk about chocolate. It can actually be good for you, but only if it’s so and so percent Cocoa, cocoah, cacao..cocaine…whatever, shakes fist…so basically, you’re eating chalk.
Go for it though, antioxidants!
Where there’s chocolate, there’s peanut butter. Now, peanut butter is a good source of fat and protein, but stores add a whole cup of sugar in each jar, so you should only eat all natural peanut butter. Better yet, do all natural almond butter (you can make it at home yaaaay!!!) crinkles frowny face. Almond butter is like taking an almond flavored caulking tube and squirting it in your mouth. MMM, put that on some motherloving toast and you’ve got yourself a breakfast of champ…I mean mediocres.
Salmon….I have nothing nice to say about salmon so I won’t say anything at all. OMEGAS something or other.
But mostly, COCONUT!!!! As in, milk, butter, oil, meal, flour and lotion. You should just totally immerse yourself in coconut oil, while also swishing it in your mouth, it’s called oil pulling, the mouth swishy thing…it apparently pulls bacteria out of your mouth. I mean, myself, I’m not sucking on band aids, so I think I’m good.
Then, you should just eat coconuts and then wash it all down with coconut water and just bask in the feeling of the floaty flakes at the bottom of the can, in your mouth. Then, use that water to take some probiotics for your digestion. Supposedly not eating dirt anymore on our food because we, you know, wash it off, you don’t get enough probiotics…SCIENCE!
So, these are just the tip of the banana, of the different things I’ve heard throughout my life in reference to losing weight and being healthy.
You know what I say.
I know what it takes to be slender and “healthy”. Guess what, it didn’t involve any of this.
I know what it takes to simply lose weight.
Next post, I’ll take you on a little trip on my past journeys to being skinny and how I feel about it now. Stay tuned.