5 Ways to Embrace the Suck: Part 2
I’m not sure who first said, Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance, but it’s an avenue I often like to take in regards to life. You can’t show up late; half cocked, hung over, wearing a cape, complimented by underwear over your pants, expecting to perform like Superman, without first scoping out your phone booth.
The thing is, you can’t be prepared for everything. In light of all that can go wrong, you should remember:
No matter what, accept, for the time being, you cannot avoid the suck
Running a race takes putting in the miles beforehand, sweating and peeing just a little in your pants along the way. Your thighs are going to chafe and your boobs are going to hurt from all the bouncing, no matter how tight your uniboob bra is. There’s just no getting around it.
Ripping full speed confidently into a job interview, requires researching your potential overlord and evil empire ahead of time: Will there be QED reports, am I required to disrobe at any time during the work day, what’s the bathroom situation like?
But no matter how much you research the company, you’ll never find out ahead of time, that at some point, someone is going to urinate on the floor in your presence (at least that’s what happens at my job occasionally). I couldn’t hiss at her and tell her to stop like someone would a dog…I had to just let it happen.
No matter how much training and researching you do in life; like when a bat attacks you in your own home and you think you’ve chased it out the front door, crying and screaming the entire time, you will inevitably step on that bat and it will bite you on your foot…well, there’s just no preparing for that shit.
In this situation, bat experts then send the bat off to get tested for rabies. Animal Control takes your cat and decapitates it for good measure to see if it had rabies too. Experts then tell you the bat did in fact have rabies and a doctor gives you shots in your foot, meanwhile the nurse is saying, “I hope this works, I just looked up bat bites on the internet.”
This happened to my mom.
Even though she is a badass lady that handles most anything that comes her way, she wasn’t prepared for the doctors to say, “If you feel bitey, like you want to bite people, you need to come into the ER immediately.”
Nope, she had no control over what was happening and couldn’t in a million years say, “Yep, I’m prepared for a bat attack.”
Mom had two choices, freak out and resign herself to Cujo status, convinced she was going to masticate her family members; or she could just say, “Welp, at least I’m not getting the shots in my ass, bring on the suck.”
The longer you try to deny the sand in your vagina, the worse it’s going to be. You can squirm and object all you want.
You can’t wish sucky situations away. Therefore, you have to welcome them in.
Look, your kids are going to get sick and vomit on your hypoallergenic carpet. Your boss is going to get pissed because you told that customer they’re the reason you’re an atheist. You’re going to shart your pants on Labor Day and you’re going to have to wait in line to purchase yeast infection cream at the self checkout, hoping no one sees the box with pink writing on it. You’re going to overdraw on your bank account despite giving plasma twice a week.
Someone is going to knock your car’s passenger side window off and you’re going to avoid calling the insurance company because you just can’t…no seriously, I just can’t even. I faxed the accident report to them, what more could they want and will they please stop leaving voicemail messages that I don’t listen to on purpose.
Eventually though, if you acknowledge the sand, and you let it fester there, you keep it close, not pushing it away, it will turn into pearls and you’ll feel that much better about the process.
So, when you’re presented with a difficult situation, instead of trying to wash it away and avoid it, just scream to yourself, “I’m making pearls here!!!!”