All The Single Ladies
It’s been awhile guys and gals since I last checked in and I figure it’s about time for another little tid bit of an update. You could say I’ve spent my time actually living life as opposed to just observing it so I could write about it. There won’t be details, but there’s feeeelings I’ve got to get out.
I’m not trying to brag, but…well, I’m going to brag. Recently I discovered something that would normally cut me to my core and send me into another spiral of self-doubt and anger, with a splash of depression and hopelessness. But I’m a firm believer that the work I’ve put in the past few months created a foundation I could stand on, one that would keep me afloat and mostly ok despite the inevitable. Yet again, I survived.
Facebook is such a silly thing. You scroll through statuseseseses only to see every one else having such a fabulous life, and every once in awhile, you are privy to a post you knew was coming that you dreaded.
They’ve moved on, they’re official, they’re happy and they’re gleeful, in a way you previously could only sneer at and scoff curses at. You scold yourself for never inspiring such adoration…what was I missing you ask.
You originally thought it would break you. Shock you to a level you thought you’d never recover from. But then something amazing happens. You shrug your shoulders and say, “meh, good for them, I hope they find their joy.” That is it. There are no horns or even violins to lull you to your doom. You see, you didn’t get here by accident, nor by closing your heart to ever feeling happy again. You nurtured it, and you told it that everything would be ok. Even when your very veins said it was over and to just give up, you kept trying to make it ok. And eventually it was.
You know it isn’t the ‘replacement’ that did it. It wasn’t the idea that someone else said you were enough. It wasn’t that for once you felt beautiful simply because someone else said you were.
Somehow, some way, you got there on your own.
You looked in the mirror and said, “Hot damn!” Despite the heaviness, you got out of bed every day and you found things to make you smile. Whether it was the sunshine on your collar bone, or watching Ernest Scared Stupid for the 50th time in your life. You found a way to laugh. You took the hugs from friends and the kind words from family and you made them your lifeline. At some point you stopped blaming, and you started accepting. It all became so less personal. It was all those things that allowed you to look at another human being and say, “maybe.” It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t quick. But it happened.
Eventually you find a place in someone else’s neck crook. You tell yourself, maybe this isn’t forever, but it is for now, and that’s enough. Just the idea that you can be opened up to that possibility is a miracle, and you made it happen, you said, “ok, sock it to me.” You make plans to do things and go places you’ve never been before, and you realize, you’ll be traveling that way regardless if anyone else is beside you. And that, is a beautiful thing.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, my darling fellow human beings, is there’s a tomorrow. You will be happy again, even if just for a millisecond, it will happen. A thousand times over, IT WILL HAPPEN…Please don’t give up. Don’t stop, don’t say it’s too much, and things are too hard. Please don’t close your heart, swearing, “never again.” Because there will be an again, and it is exquisite, I promise. If you can just find your semicolon, you will find your exclamation point, and although I advise against using them for the most part, sometimes they’re the only thing that will suffice.
You will find hope, you will find a face to look upon and feel warm. You will walk down a sidewalk in the midafternoon and smile at strangers, you will hear songs that remind you of good times, and not the bad ones, because you know how to make a home wherever you go. You will stand in their arms, and their scent will take you to tomorrow, just the next step beyond today. There will come a time when you trust someone else to add to your happiness, not depend on it, but allow it. And that my friends, is a beautiful thing.