“You’ll find him when you’re not looking.”
“You have to love yourself before anyone else will love you.”
“Do you, and you’ll find the one you’re supposed to meet.”
“IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT…”
Ok guys, I’m going to pull a Charlotte here and start yelling about how I’ve been dating for 32 years, (ok, closer to 27 years if we start with Bobby from pre-school, who I was caught making out with under a table) and I’m going to say I’m exhausted. Enough.
Let’s not forget most of the advice comes from people who have already found their forever after and they’re holding that person’s hand as they tell you you’re going to be alright, even if you die alone and no one will be there to hide your vision board before the undertaker comes. Lawd help me if anyone else on the planet sees I’ve pasted the phrase, “find the one,” on it in the hopes of manifesting some sought after fairytale that apparently exists for everyone but a chosen few. Damn straight I pasted corny phrase after corny phrase on that cork board. Being bitter and frigid weren’t doing me any favors. Look, I know Friends are life, they are the air I breathe, but at times the inhale feels a little shallow.
“WHERE IS HEEEEE?” I screech as I immediately forget the perfectly decent men I’ve passed on in my three decades on the planet because they just didn’t fit.
I get it, I did this to myself. I was too open, too eager, too closed, too shy, too withholding, too loud, too quiet, too desperate, too caring, too lackadaisical, too forgiving, too Me I guess.
No, I get it, I wholeheartedly believe every situation I’ve found myself in is because of decisions I’ve made, bad or good. There’s no getting around it, I am not a victim and the blame lies with me, 3,000 left swipes and 12 right swipes too many. Also, not enough cardio. “But my hip bone still sticks out when I’m laying down,” I yell. Not enough Laura, not enough, plus, you haven’t mastered cream contouring, nor do you have blonde hair, which is obviously a prerequisite to everlasting love.
But let me just say, things would be a tad bit easier with dating if certain rules were followed in this day in age of pairing up amongst profile pictures from ten years ago and lies lain down like bricks in concrete, unmovable and hard to navigate without horseshoes, whatever the shit that means.
I realize the people who would benefit from the following advice will most likely never read this, but I’m going to throw it out there anyways. If anything, the moms out there can pass it on to their darling boys (and girls, because come on, we can be wretched wenches just as well).
If you know that when you tell her she’s beautiful, you only mean it for tonight…just don’t. You’ll probably get laid anyways and then you won’t have to feel guilty.
If you know he’s not the one, but you tell him he is…just don’t. You’ll figure it out he isn’t eventually anyways and waste so much time.
If you agree to coffee in the afternoon, but you can’t wait for the night to come when they’re not there…just don’t. You could have spent that time coloring and who doesn’t need more coloring in their life.
If you think she’s the best you can get…just don’t. She isn’t, and soon enough she’ll find out when you ask someone else to grow old with you.
If you tell him you’ve never felt this way before, when you actually have…just don’t. Most of the time, you don’t even know what you felt in the first place.
When you consider swiping right because he’s on a boat…just don’t. 401K plans are much more indicative of character.
If your heart doesn’t ache when you touch someone else that isn’t them…just don’t. The pain it causes is worse than your worst nightmare and you don’t need that kind of karma in your life.
If you don’t have a favorite shirt you dutifully take care of despite its’ holes…just don’t. You won’t take care of a human soul any better.
If you can’t keep plants alive…just don’t. Thirst can kill.
If you don’t/didn’t treat your mother right…just don’t. Despite her mistakes, she did her best.
If you don’t love your dog more than him…just don’t. Loyalty has to stand for something.
If you don’t care what her favorite book is…just don’t. Ideals make up a spirit, and you should know that through and through.
If you can’t see the space to grow in her eyes…just don’t. Otherwise, you won’t.
If you can’t see yourself in his eyes…please don’t. Because he won’t, no matter how loud you are.
If you only think of them when you are alone, and you’re crushed under the dark…absolutely don’t. They are not your light, they were never supposed to save you or show you the way…they were only supposed to make you that much happier you made it out alive on your own.
You aren’t meant to miss them when you’re sad, you were meant to miss them when you were bursting at the seams to share your unshakeable joy. So, I guess, go find that joy, and eventually you’ll forget about what you’re not sure you’re missing.
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