I had a little situation at Sephora a couple weeks ago, as I’m only allowed to go twice a year. This is my own rule because I would one day like to have more than $1 in my bank account.
I went in specifically because I haven’t been able to get my hands on some Shape Tape from Sephora’s competition, Ulta (which I’m also not allowed to go in more than twice a year and I used up those two times buying special shampoo for the snakes on my head and checking to see if they had Shape Tape – Shape Tape, which is made by the makeup brand Tarte is apparently this magical makeup concealer that makes you look like Taylor Swift, only less squinty and possibly younger if you believe the online reviews). Two separate, but probably the same girl (who can tell they all have the same matte face and brownish reddish lips) at Ulta repeatedly told me they were out of Shape Tape because there’s apparently a “manufacturer issue.”
So, I found myself at Sephora trying to track the stuff down for the third time. I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “Just order that ish online,” and to that I say, NO. I refuse to order it online because…one – shipping..two – adding credit card info to yet another website is ultimately beyond what I’m emotionally ready to do at this point in my life…three – I like to touch things before I buy them, like “Oh hey you, I see you, you feel good, you look good, you’re mine now.” I once bought a pair of underwear online and…well, I would have had to go through five cleanses to get them past my knees (also not going to happen.)
Editor’s note: Shape Tape sells for $24 on the Tarte website. I have been known to get things on Amazon, since they already have all of my credit card and entire past sexual history information, is selling it for upwards of $64. Suck on my toe Amazon, not gonna’ happen.
Herein is my last will and testament of what happened as I browsed the Tarte section of Sephora while wearing sweatpants and sporting 3-day-old natural curly hair, without a stitch of makeup on my face.
Sephora lady: (pops out of a drawer from a display case of lip shellacs or glosses, whatever you wanna’ call them) “CAN I HELP YOU FIND ANYTHING???!!!”
I jump with my fist raised in the air, ready to punch her in her cooter because…
I.did.not.see.her.coming. I didn’t dare look her in the face. One, because I think her gaze will burn my eyes out from the shame of her perfect eyeliner and my lack of a cut crease and hooded eyelids, and two, because she stands a foot taller than me and it would take too much time anyways to make eye contact. I imagine she has crazy eyes though.
“Uh yeah, I’m looking for Shape Tape, please,” I manage to squeak out. I’m pretty sure I smelled. Not because I generally smell, but because I can tell that she can tell, I’m not the type of girl to use lavender scented feminine hygiene wipes, and she is.
“Oh, that’s only exclusive to Ulta, unfortunately we don’t carry it here,” she said….(undoubtedly she later probably told the other girls at the store that I was the dumbest piece of shit she’s laid eyes on that day, and that I smelled).
Panic set in…I thought, how did I let this happen, how could I have NOT known Sephora didn’t carry it, I was mentally ready to walk my penance out of the store as the nun from Game of Thrones rings her bell and shouts “Shame” at me, only I wasn’t naked, I was wearing a Crossfit sweatshirt and I haven’t even done Crossfit for like…two years now…
“But Ulta never has it,” I whined to the lady-woman in heels.
Internally I degraded myself for not knowing said fact that Sephora didn’t carry Shape Tape, somehow in my hours of watching YouTube tutorials I never got the message…then I got to thinking, Sephora has Glam Glow and Ulta doesn’t…But Ulta has the Deva Curl line and Sephora doesn’t, or do they have Deva Curl, I have no idea now. Ulta doesn’t have Beauty Blenders either and Sephora does…wait a minute, I thought…I think Sephora and Ulta have a business relationship with Big Oil and they COUNT on me wasting gas going store to store…this is horse shit, I’m never leaving my house again, screw it. There is no way I was supposed to know Sephora didn’t have it, they tricked me.
I shook both my fists in frustration at the tall woman.
She then smirked out, “I’m sorry, let me know if you need help finding anything else (you idiot slug)”…she then low-crawled on the floor in the other direction to an elegant lady in her 70′s who wanted to learn about the benefits of Retinol.
I then impulsively grabbed a few items off the shelves to prove my worth to these strangers in black dresses with red stripes. I walked out spending $150 good old American Dollars to prove my worth to these wolves. Did I mention I quit my $8 an hour job that day too? Well I did. All I wanted was a concealer that wouldn’t crease in my 32-year-old wrinkle lines and I walked out spending money I never intended on to save face, no pun intended. I’ve been known to do that kind of thing though. One time, I parked in Wooden Nickel’s parking lot so I could walk to a Bernie Sanders rally, but I had to use the bathroom so I bought a cd at Wooden Nickel so I wouldn’t feel bad for peeing at their establishment without buying anything. I should have wiped my ass with the money instead because it wasn’t even a good cd and who buys cd’s anymore besides me these days? WHO…WHOOOOO?
I learned a valuable lesson that day: ORDER ALL THE THINGS ONLINE!!!
I think this is what they meant when they said “beauty is pain.” In my ass it is.