At some point I have to stop being nice. I’ve spent my whole life sidestepping, ducking, swerving, and apologizing for existing. I’ve spent my life listening to the other side, hoping they prove me wrong, only to be left with a puzzlement of all the meerkats in the nation. I have all the excuses in the book to be wrong, it was my fault, I didn’t do the right thing…if I just would have…
Accountability my friends.
When you make a decision, there are certain consequences to your actions, and for too long I’ve spent my time trying to make up for others’ actions. I tried to play nice, so that everyone would still like me. That guy who hit me, I thought I just should have been more supportive, the Boy who cheated on me with at least nine other women, I should have been more loving, maybe then he’d let me spend time with Dozer, the love of my life. If I would have made his coffee just so, he’d let me see Dozer. If I would have weighed a certain amount, he wouldn’t have led me on for eight years. If I would have acted the right way, he wouldn’t text other women as I sat on the couch next to him. If I just watched what I say, no one else would know just how numb and awful of a human being he was. If I was funny enough, that other guy would want to date me, instead of messaging me randomly at night. If I accepted scraps from the table that other guy would want to give me his all, instead of disappearing and giving me a half-assed answer of, “I’m just not ready for a relationship.”
The other day, I reached a point I’m very proud of. I don’t think a lot of other people would understand, but it was a win for me. Here’s the context. I dated so and so for a couple weeks and he moved into the house I own, promising to pay rent because I couldn’t. He made many promises and professed many things. Then he stopped calling. He stopped responding. Then he said he still wanted to be friends and he didn’t want me to hate him. He gave me the old heeve ho and went to send me on my way. He reached out to give me one last hug, but I ducked under his outstretched arm and I yelled, “Nope.” He replied with, “Really, that’s how it’s going to be?” In my head I said yes, as well as, “Not today Satan!”
That’s what I’ve figured out. I don’t owe anyone anything. I came to a point where I didn’t care if people liked me or not. That’s not my responsibility. But this leaves me with a dilemma. Boy from the past has Dozer, the American Bulldog that I raised and loved and praised. I love Dozer. I only asked that Boy send pictures of Dozer. That’s all, no other contact. I have yet to hear from Boy.
I’ve been very vague about the details of Boy in the past. I said we just grew apart. That’s a lie. He shoved me out of the sphere of any possibility of love and I was left with the pieces. I know I should move on, it’s the only healthy thing to do. He’s moved on…shit, a mere few months after the breakup he flew a girl from Utah to see him. Then a few months later he posted he was in a relationship with another She. A she who has rock hard abs and none of the brain malfunctions that I have. Any sane person would accept this as fact and move on. I think we’ve established I’m not that woman. So here I am. I asked him if he could just send me pictures of Dozer. Once again, I’m being ignored. So…here’s the truth. I stood by Boy for eight years, and he cheated….a lot…I once found a bra from another lady in his belongings. I got him through the academy and the thanks I got was him telling me I cheated him by not being there for his first year as an officer, he even gave a foot rub and back rub to one of my co-workers (hence my resignation from a $20 bucks an hour job). For about seven years he lived in my house, without paying for anything, besides cable so he could watch car shows, yet I was the one who abandoned him. He once told me, while I was deployed that he hoped I was having a good vacation, and how could I leave…I knew he needed me. He once slept with my roommate and best friend of the time.
Now, as far as I can tell, he is living an awesome life, in a new home, with a new woman, with a new truck, awesome job, and my dog. I live with my mom, and you all know the rest. I could cry and be depressed, but that’s not how this is going to go. The only choice I have is to let the fates handle the rest. I’d like to believe as long as I keep doing right by others, right will come to me. I can’t count on it, but I can hope. I don’t have the luxury of a custody hearing so I don’t know when I’ll see Dozer again, if ever. I just hope he’s getting walks and being loved as much as he deserves.