Valentine’s Day: A Survivors guide
Buckle up for one of my guest writers Jamarcus Turner, and his take on Valentine’s Day from the perspective of a guy:
I’ve never been to Las Vegas. but I’m pretty sure that feeling of when you have all your money on one number and it lands on the one next to it? Is the same feeling Men have when they completely botch Valentine’s day. So as A veteran of many a V-Day I’ve figured out a fool proof way to succeed where others have Failed.
I know it sounds weird but check it, women actually tell us all year what they want for V-day. Remember when you went to the mall and she really wanted that perfume but couldn’t afford it? BUY THAT PERFUME YOU FUCKING MORON! Remember when she told you what her favorite color to wear is? BUY HER SOMETHING IN THAT COLOR YOU DUMB FUCK! How about when her engine went out in her car and now she has to take the bus to work?
I’m not saying buy her a car, that shit’s expensive but damn a 30 day pass is like $45 put it in some roses.
#2 BUY FOR HER NOT FOR YOU
If she wants lingerie? Like genuinely wants some? You buy that shit on the 15th. V-day is all about her. Anything that you buy shouldn’t benefit you in any way. If it does it’s a bad gift. New purse? Good gift. New pots and pans? Unless she’s a chef, bad gift. Diamond necklace? Good gift. A new bathroom scale because the old one was broken? Really Steve? Go sit in the corner.
#3 ITS NEVER TOO SOON TO CELEBRATE
Oh you just started dating a few weeks ago, you say? She won’t expect anything, you say? Wrong again Steve. She. Expects. Everything. You were the one dumb enough to get into a relationship right before V-day. You didn’t think it through and now you have to deal with the consequences. If you just started dating, a good rule of thumb is to act as if it has been a year. Long enough to spend a little but still wayyyyy too early to propose. Don’t buy the ring Steve, she wants a new purse, not to be proposed to by a guy she barely knows at a hockey game. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS STEVE!
#4 BE MODEST
If you nailed the gift you are not out of the woods yet. Now you have to act like it was a privilege to go to the mall and spend money you didn’t want to spend on something you think is ridiculous. That’s right even if you buy the perfect gift you don’t even get to be an asshole about it. If she decides to be amazed by whatever you did it will only be if you have the good sense to never bring it up. The second you start acting like you did her a favor will be the last second you experience any kind of compliments on your hard work. Tread lightly idiots.
And Now Finally
#5 KNOW HER
Every woman is different. You have to know who she is or your entire endeavor is in danger. For instance, just because Stacy 2 years ago, likes that perfume doesn’t mean your current partner will. She most likely won’t. If she hasn’t been dropping hints then take a minute and think about who she is as a person. What kind of woman is she? If she loves spending the day with you on the couch in P.J.s? Getting her V.I.P on at a club is probably a bad gift, and will also tell her you don’t care enough to see the real her. If she likes to stay in? Cook her favorite food. If she likes horror movies? Have a theater hold a private screening just for her. If she is stressed from work? Get her a day at a spa. Get creative or God as my witness you won’t survive to see March.
Sidenote from Laura: I happen to have a very good friend actually named Steve, and the cover photo for this story is a delicious meal he once cooked for his lovely wife. I was lucky enough to be invited to the dinner, seeeee, it’s possible ladies, men can cook!!!!