Coulda’ Shoulda’ Woulda’…Musta”
It’s the eve of exactly one week since the interview for my dream job, it was last Tuesday if anyone’s counting. I haven’t heard anything yet. Tonight, I was on the verge of sighing and resigning to the idea that maybe, just maybe, things won’t work out after all. I thought, maybe I won’t get the position, I don’t have enough experience, it’s too good to happen to me.
That’s the dream that’s sold though, that if you work hard enough, that if you keep at it, you’ll reap the rewards. I haven’t exactly lived my life believing every ounce of work I’ve put in to anything, was worth something.
Rewind to a movie outing with the Mom’s. We saw Captain Marvel. It started out ok, and I was pretty stoked to see another female character represented that was strong. Soon enough though, the climax scene, I got the jolt I needed again. She wasn’t powerful because she was perfect, she was powerful because she was hardy, she was strong through her gravitation towards pain, not her aversion.
My pain was that power. Knowing what it feels like to be hit by someone I loved, gives me the ability to reach out to someone else who has experienced the same thing. I’m not saying I was meant to go through domestic violence, that it was supposed to happen. But I sure as hell am meant to find a way to make it matter.
It’s cliché, I know, the whole, fail and fail again. But my goddess, it’s right. Initially I thought I would be crushed if I didn’t get this position. That’s not my fate though. Even if they reject me this time, they will hire someone again in the future, maybe I’m just not ready yet. From the process, I now know what I have to learn in order to be ready if the opportunity comes up again. I gained resources to other places I can apply. I bought a snazzy dress from Goodwill and a striking blazer from Burlington so if my real ideal job comes up, I’ll be ready.
Intentional is my watchword. In the past I kind of wandered through the world, picking up labels to try on along the way, Soldier, caretaker, worker, manager. I made decisions very spur of the moment (I decided in a 12 hour span to join the Army). I took jobs because they came up. Now, I know what I want, that’s half the battle. More importantly, I know WHY I want it. Why I want to help victims of crime and abuse. It no longer matters when I get to my tomorrow, just as long as I get there. My intent is to take a small particle of pain from every person I come across, so they can continue to carry what load they still have, carry it til tomorrow.
I feel like a lot of my people are going through the same thing, shuffling through this world. So many people I know hate what they do eight hours a day, five days a week, four weeks a month, 12 months a year, for decades. I get it, (not completely because you are unique, I don’t understand your hardships fully, but I understand a fraction of them).
So, if you’re struggling, I think you should know some things. Actually, shoulds are too flaky, I’m going to share some things you must know, to get to your tomorrow. Look, we need you, we need your words, your actions, your voice, your ears, your eyes, and your presence.
Here’s what you must do:
You must know that if you’ve made it this far, despite your own doubt, you can go further, maybe not right now, not in the next week, but when you can.
You must remember that erasers are a thing. Make alllllls the mistakes recklessly, you can make it right. Even Aesop Rock was homeless at one point, single and broken…it can be rebuilt, this isn’t The Great British Bake off, no one has a timer going in the background, waiting for someone to drop out.
You must acknowledge that you’re a mother-flerken crash dummy, made specifically to take on collisions, bumps, and crashes. You fail in order to make it safer for others. It’s still going to suck, it’s still going to hurt, but you were made to withstand it even when you thought you couldn’t. Gather that data from the accidents.
You must know the purpose of the things you’re willing to hurt for. (I lose a lot of sleep to writing, sleep is my favorite, but it’s worth losing it, just in case I wrote something at least one person found value in).
You must know that relying on others to fulfill your needs is plan B, you’re plan A…go with plan A.
You must recognize that your conscious brain will choose the easy, the familiar path. The dreams are in the muck, find the filth, wallow in it, it’s gross, stinky, and impossible, until it’s not.
You must find a toothbrush you adore. Otherwise you’re just going to start your morning crappy.
You must find the courage to stay the path you know you should be on. Every possible atom will try to discourage you. Courage is hard, it’s uncomfortable, it’s foreign. It.Is.The.End.All.Be.All. Courage will continue to get you to tomorrow, over and over again. Courage will catapult you past things you might do, to things you’ve done.
You must accept the possibility of pain in order to find courage, it’s not free. It’s also not expensive, it can cost as little as one word, “no.”
You must get up. No one said how far you had to go after that, even if it’s getting up from the bed to the couch, it’s momentum. Momentum’s funny like that, so little amounts to so much and before you know it you’re Lady Gaga.
You must know that ukulele’s heal a lot of bad shit.
You must know that whatever makes you smile should never be a shame you hide from others. It’s not nerdy, it’s not trashy, basic, dumb, or irrelevant. If it’s pertinent to your smile, it’s important. Too many people grumble. Please smile some more.
You must cry and scream when you must, a plugged up sprinkler sputters and misses the whole point and pasture.
You must bring others along. Otherwise what’s the point?
You must ask for help, most good things come in duo’s.
You must wear the bathing suit…splashing’s more fun without a layer of clingy cotton stifling your breaststroke.
Well, that was a lot longer than expected. Don’t forget to like, and share this post if you got even the slightest pleasure from it.